Category Archives: interview

Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens Interview Series: Andrew W. Adams

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As some of you may already know, I am no longer the head editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens, but the journal still lives on with Sam Reeve as my replacement. Out of all the authors who I published, Andrew W. Adams was one of my favorites. He was also one of the authors who I published the most. His final story during my tenure, “Romantic Fucking Comedy,” appeared in the last issue. I conducted this interview with him throughout the duration of our lives. At the beginning, I sent Andrew one letter (of the alphabet) in the mail each month. When I finished relating my question, Andrew did the same thing with his answer. This process continued through the years, and it was a lot of fun. I felt like a spy, which is something that I have always wanted to be since overhearing my first James Bond movie while in the womb.

Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens: Let’s begin with a very important question: What is your favorite color and what is your favorite number and why?

Andrew W. Adams: I have red-green color blindness and either can’t see certain shades or see them differently, so my favorite color is whichever of those shades is prettiest. My name for this imaginary color is “96 Tears.”  My favorite number is phi (1.618…) because of the scene in the movie Pi where Max explains the golden ratio to that Jewish guy in the coffee shop.

Ha ha ha! You have 1.618 ninety-six tears haired girlfriends. You must have cut one ninety-six tears haired girlfriend into 0.618 and sewed the piece onto your other ninety-six tears haired girlfriend. Dude, that’s really fucked up.

I published  your story “Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus,” in the sixth issue of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. It’s about a man whose comatose wife is raped by a scuba diver. Since the story is written in first person, your comatose wife was also raped by a scuba diver. Am I correct?

That is entirely accurate.

Why do you prefer to write autobiographical stories with mushroom clouds?

The mushroom cloud motif probably has something to do with a kind of apocalypse fetish. And I write autobiography because I am afraid of death.

I’m changing the name of my favorite color to “Tutti Frutti.”

What is it like to have an apocalypse fetish?

It is like being a very normal person.

I can’t get past that Mad Libs thing you did with my favorite number and favorite color. It’s haunting me.

By the way, what are your favorite number and favorite color? I am not going to do any kind of Mad Libs thing with your answer. I just feel like I need this info before I can find closure and move on.

By the way, please explain your obsession with finding out my favorite number and my favorite color.

I am trying to learn everything about you so that I can make you fall in love with me.

Favorite animal?

Chia Pet

Wow, that is my favorite animal too! See how compatible we are?

There can only be one Chia Pet per household. It would turn into a Highlander Movie. Let’s switch gears, and I apologize for the insignificance of this question, but: have you written a book? You’re the best writer doing bizarro-type stuff who I’m aware of that doesn’t have a book. Give me a book. Just give it to me. Where is it? What do I have to do to read it? That? No. That? I won’t do that. Anything but that…okay, I guess I’ll do it.

I have written a few books that I now like to pretend do not exist. So:

No, I haven’t written a book. I am working on my first one now. If you send me a month’s supply of cocaine and protein shakes, I promise to write 5000 words a day and do 500 pushups a day. I can have the book finished in a week, and I will have very impressive biceps for my author’s photo. I think this is a good plan.

Or, if that doesn’t work: I will continue to do the best I can, and trust that my unwillingness to quit will eventually bear fruit. I should have something available by the time I’m 50, at least. I hope you can wait that long. I will dedicate the book to you. Its release will be a very “Rocky”-like moment for me.

Write your book while running up and down the steps in front of Philadelphia’s Museum of Art two thousand times. Let me know when you are finished.

Despite what I just said about an “unwillingness to quit”, I am considering giving up writing to study the art of mime. But I don’t know where to go to do this. Are there mime schools?

Wait, what am I saying; of course there are mime schools.

Why are you so damn hard to kill, Andrew W. Adams?

Because I’m just not worth the effort.

Thank you for the interview. By the way, there is a man behind you with a razor wire sombrero.

Interview with Kevin L. Donihe

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Random Bullshit

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Cracked.com published an article about the bizarro genre. It mentions the book Bradley wrote about me and some shit about him. Freaking sweet.

There’s a deal going on right now at Amazon where you can buy certain books and get 4 books for the price of 3. And a whole bunch of the books are Eraserhead Press books (including the one where I will fucking kill you). So here’s a link to some dude’s blog that lists all the Eraserhead Press books that are part of the deal.

Dangerous Dan interviewed me on his blog.

Garrett Cook interviewed me for Bizarro Central.

Interview

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Some dude named Steven Ryan Shroyer asked me for an interview. Before the interview, he was threatening to kick my ass, which was hilarious. He claimed that he and his cyborg clone army were coming to get me. He works at Burger King, so I don’t know how he could afford a cyborg robot army with fast food wages. Maybe from stealing from the till? If so, that creepy King of Burgers guy would probably get really pissed off and torture him to death. He also doesn’t seem to understand the difference between the East Coast and the West Coast cause I live in Hollywood and he ended up in Orlando. Guess the fact that there’s two Universal Studios in America rather than one really confused him. Guess he gave up after a while and decided to do the next best thing to failing to kick my ass and getting annihilated: send me interview questions. Here they are with my responses:

1: You seem to drink a lot of Neurogasm, does it help your performance with the ladies?

Yeah, but I usually shotgun like five bottles at once and the ladies have a great time, but they also end up in the emergency room cause shotgunning five bottles results in fireworks shooting out of my cock. Now I’m drinking Neurosleep. I drink The Neuro to wake up and go to sleep. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Probably get some U.S. Army grade cocaine and Ambient.

2: You were born in a lab, do you have any memories of your birth or creation?

Yeah, this tiny ninjas crept into my incubation chapter and I broke all their necks. It was pretty sweet. Ninjas eat my turds.

3: Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the cover of your book, how do you feel about that. Also how do you feel about his recent divorce from Maria Shriver.

Dude, didn’t you read the freaking back of the book?

“What the crap is Arnold Schwarzenegger doing on the cover of Rico Slade’s book? This is Rico Slade’s goddamn book. Rico Slade is not a body builder, an actor, or a governor. Rico Slade is an action hero.”

I don’t give a shit about the divorce. I don’t believe in marriage and I don’t believe in divorce. That shit doesn’t exist. It’s like the magical fairies that come out and fuck with me after I snort twenty Adderall pills and stay away for 72 hrs. All that shit just ain’t real. The only truth in this world is dick sucking and pussy licking.

4. Bruce Willis Vs You, who would kick who’s ass?

Well, it depends. Are we talking about Bruce Willis having the magic of CGI or not? Cause if CGI isn’t part of the picture, your question should really be “Who couldn’t kick Bruce Willis’s ass?”

5: If you had to make love to one famous woman who would it be?

What kind of question is that? If I “had to?” Why wouldn’t I want to? Let’s change the question so it makes sense. “Which famous woman do you wish you never made love to?” Well, if I could take it back, I’d go without Betty White. Too sexually demanding. I just couldn’t keep up. She’s a real firecracker. That was before they put Neurogasm into production.

6: What do you think of Lady GaGa is she just a whore or a trend setter?

She’s an android. A secret government laboratory bioengineers her tunes to make them catchy. That video where she goes to jail is pretty sweet though. The only trend she’s set is dressing up like a moron to the Grammy’s, which I think is pretty awesome. Like when she wore that meat outfit. If she got hungry, she could have satisfied herself and gotten a case of salmonella

7: Are you going to kill Bradley Sands?

It depends on whether or not I end up liking his book about me. Haven’t finished it yet. I’m on the page for drawing awesome stuff at the beginning. I’m better drawer than some loser second grader.

8: What is your number one favorite action movie?

You Got Served.

9: Who is more bad ass, Samuel L. Jackson or you?

The L. stands for loser. But that gave him the motivation to become even more badass. Still, dude can’t touch me. I’m way up in outer space while he’s just on a plane with a couple of wimpy garden snakes.

10: Who is a better director David Lynch or Michael Bay?

I’m a big fan of surrealism, so I gotta go with Michael Bay. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was mindblowing. I never know what the fuck is going on during the awesomely long fight sequences, so that’s sweet. Also, shit just gets real about two hundred times a day for me.