Some dude named Steven Ryan Shroyer asked me for an interview. Before the interview, he was threatening to kick my ass, which was hilarious. He claimed that he and his cyborg clone army were coming to get me. He works at Burger King, so I don’t know how he could afford a cyborg robot army with fast food wages. Maybe from stealing from the till? If so, that creepy King of Burgers guy would probably get really pissed off and torture him to death. He also doesn’t seem to understand the difference between the East Coast and the West Coast cause I live in Hollywood and he ended up in Orlando. Guess the fact that there’s two Universal Studios in America rather than one really confused him. Guess he gave up after a while and decided to do the next best thing to failing to kick my ass and getting annihilated: send me interview questions. Here they are with my responses:
1: You seem to drink a lot of Neurogasm, does it help your performance with the ladies?
Yeah, but I usually shotgun like five bottles at once and the ladies have a great time, but they also end up in the emergency room cause shotgunning five bottles results in fireworks shooting out of my cock. Now I’m drinking Neurosleep. I drink The Neuro to wake up and go to sleep. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Probably get some U.S. Army grade cocaine and Ambient.
2: You were born in a lab, do you have any memories of your birth or creation?
Yeah, this tiny ninjas crept into my incubation chapter and I broke all their necks. It was pretty sweet. Ninjas eat my turds.
3: Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the cover of your book, how do you feel about that. Also how do you feel about his recent divorce from Maria Shriver.
Dude, didn’t you read the freaking back of the book?
“What the crap is Arnold Schwarzenegger doing on the cover of Rico Slade’s book? This is Rico Slade’s goddamn book. Rico Slade is not a body builder, an actor, or a governor. Rico Slade is an action hero.”
I don’t give a shit about the divorce. I don’t believe in marriage and I don’t believe in divorce. That shit doesn’t exist. It’s like the magical fairies that come out and fuck with me after I snort twenty Adderall pills and stay away for 72 hrs. All that shit just ain’t real. The only truth in this world is dick sucking and pussy licking.
4. Bruce Willis Vs You, who would kick who’s ass?
Well, it depends. Are we talking about Bruce Willis having the magic of CGI or not? Cause if CGI isn’t part of the picture, your question should really be “Who couldn’t kick Bruce Willis’s ass?”
5: If you had to make love to one famous woman who would it be?
What kind of question is that? If I “had to?” Why wouldn’t I want to? Let’s change the question so it makes sense. “Which famous woman do you wish you never made love to?” Well, if I could take it back, I’d go without Betty White. Too sexually demanding. I just couldn’t keep up. She’s a real firecracker. That was before they put Neurogasm into production.
6: What do you think of Lady GaGa is she just a whore or a trend setter?
She’s an android. A secret government laboratory bioengineers her tunes to make them catchy. That video where she goes to jail is pretty sweet though. The only trend she’s set is dressing up like a moron to the Grammy’s, which I think is pretty awesome. Like when she wore that meat outfit. If she got hungry, she could have satisfied herself and gotten a case of salmonella
7: Are you going to kill Bradley Sands?
It depends on whether or not I end up liking his book about me. Haven’t finished it yet. I’m on the page for drawing awesome stuff at the beginning. I’m better drawer than some loser second grader.
8: What is your number one favorite action movie?
You Got Served.
9: Who is more bad ass, Samuel L. Jackson or you?
The L. stands for loser. But that gave him the motivation to become even more badass. Still, dude can’t touch me. I’m way up in outer space while he’s just on a plane with a couple of wimpy garden snakes.
10: Who is a better director David Lynch or Michael Bay?
I’m a big fan of surrealism, so I gotta go with Michael Bay. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was mindblowing. I never know what the fuck is going on during the awesomely long fight sequences, so that’s sweet. Also, shit just gets real about two hundred times a day for me.