Happy 10/24!

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Bradley Sands

(Originally appeared in Kek-w Quarterly)

The Adventures of a Small, Ceramic Giraffe in Tudor England
for Kek-w

A small, ceramic giraffe goes outside to buy dish soup. Outside is Tudor England. Inside is a room with a high ceiling. The giraffe does not like the high ceiling. It intimidates him. The ceiling says, “My height is wasted on you, small, ceramic giraffe.” Outside, Tudor England says, “I love you, small, ceramic giraffe.” But the small, ceramic giraffe cannot reciprocate this love. The giraffe does not even know Tudor England exists. How should he know? He has never seen Showtime’s original series, The Tudors. He does not know what Tudor England looks like. When the giraffe looks at Tudor England, all he sees is a junkyard. Having never seen The Tudors, the small, ceramic giraffe walks to the shop as loneliness and insignificance drips down his small neck.

Happy 9/21

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

(Originally published in Olympus Found)

The Fall of Atlantis

It is beautiful outside. The beauty makes Atlantis want to go outside for a walk. Atlantis is already outside. It just needs to start walking. It needs to tear itself from the ground. So Atlantis tears itself from the ground. Atlantis’s denizens are not happy about Atlantis tearing itself from the ground. But Atlantis’s denizens will have to learn to deal with Atlantis tearing itself from the ground. It is beautiful outside.

Atlantis walks through jungles of caterpillar and deserts of ostrich and forests of elephant and alleys of pterodactyl. Upon reaching a field of bricks, Atlantis is pushed by Push the bully.

Atlantis falls. Its denizens die. But Atlantis’s denizens will have to learn to deal with dying. It is beautiful outside.

Happy 9/20!

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

(Originally appeared in Brandi Wells Review)

Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset
for Brandi Wells

The tree grows bitter fruit. It does not enjoy its flavor. It washes away the taste by snickering at the atrocities of gravity. Children like to climb its branches. They do not like to fall down, but they cannot help it. They cannot help bleeding and crying. The tree nourishes itself on blood and tears. Blood and tears wash away the bitter fruit. Blood and tears are delicious and overwhelming.

Brandi Wells’ cat does not like to bleed and cry. Brandi Wells’ cat likes to climb trees. When he climbs a tree, he does not see a tree filled with bitter fruit. He sees friendly bee squishy toys hanging off its branches. Brandi Wells’ cat makes nice with a friendly bee. He makes it go squishy. He makes it go squeak. He makes it go squishy and squeak and he loses his footing. He falls out of the tree. The tree prepares to wash away its bitterness. But Brandi Wells’ cat does not bleed. Brandi Wells’ cat does not cry. Brandi Wells’ cat is not upset. He is not an atrocity of gravity. While the falling children felt air and emptiness, Brandi Wells’ cat made nice with a parachute of sunshine in an atmosphere of cotton candy.

Happy 10/19!

Posted on October 19, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

(Originally appeared in Word Riot)

The Attic

Dad is the only family member who has been in the attic. It is where he keeps his second family. He has warned his wife and sons not to go up there. “The floor is filled with holes. You need to know where to step or you will fall. I know where to step. I will never fall.” Dad sometimes brings things up to the attic. They are things the family does not need but feels bad about throwing out. He relocates these items so his family will never suspect the attic is anything but a storage space. He relocates these items so his other family has objects that remind them of their existence. Some fathers escape to the movies after having loud arguments with their wives. Dad relocates items to the attic and spends the night with his conflict-free backup family.

Happy 10/18!

Posted on October 18, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

A Man Buys a Gun After Losing His Remote Control

The man has been watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns for the last ten years. He has been looking for his lost remote for the last ten years. His remote is not underneath the couch cushions. His remote is not in the refrigerator. His remote is not floating in the clouds. The man has given up on finding the remote, but not on the possibility of watching a show that isn’t Everybody Loves Raymond. He goes to the gun shop. Buys a gun. Goes home. Sits down on the couch. Loads the gun. Puts it next to his head. Changes the channel. The man finds it difficult to watch Seinfeld reruns with his brains all over the screen.

The Funniest/Saddest Documentary Ever

Posted on October 17, 2011 by Bradley Sands

The Funniest/Saddest Documentary Ever

This is a guest post by CalebJ Ross (also known as Caleb Ross, to people who hate Js) as part of his Stranger Will Tour for Strange blog tour. He will be guest-posting beginning with the release of his novel Stranger Will in March 2011 to the release of his second novel, I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin and novella, As a Machine and Parts, in November 2011. If you have connections to a lit blog of any type, professional journal or personal site, pleasecontact him. To be a groupie and follow this tour,subscribe to the CalebJ RossblogRSSfeed. Follow him on Twitter: @calebjross.com. Friend him on Facebook: Facebook.com /rosscaleb

Real life is the seed of fiction. But sometimes real life is so perfect that it needs no cultivation. Discovery Health has recently re-aired a documentary called SexRobot. It is everything that the title implies. The documentary follows three sex robot enthusiasts as they talk about their fetishes with astounding conviction and amazing audacity. Somebody brilliant had to have created these characters. This can’t be for real.

I present to you a selection quotes, taken verbatim, from the Sex Robot documentary. Yes, this is supposed to be a post about my book for the Stranger Will blog tour. Fuck that tour.

* * *

Delosian (a sex robot enthusiast): “I just thought it was really cool, especially in the mid to late 70s when you had TV shows like the 6 Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman. When you’re younger, it’s like, wow that would be really cool, but then as you get older it’s like, hmm…can I do things to it?”

* * *

Delosian: “You know that…Snow White, singing about ‘someday my prince will come.’ Well, someday my android will come, damn-it.”

* * *

Quezo (a sex robot enthusiast): “I was bullied a lot as a child. Part of it has to do with my mixed heritage. I was stabbed. I was beaten…Of course, seeing things like mannequins in a department store, I felt drawn to that. Beautiful. Statuesque. A lack of response was better than a negative response.”

* * *

Quezo: “I hate it when people think that people who are into this want to have sex with toasters or appliances. No, it’s not about that at all.”

* * *

Doug (inventor of Roxie, a sex robot): “This is the future. You cannot get a disease from her.”

* * *

Quezo: “She has what a lot of people into sex dolls like. The blank stare. The non-responsiveness.”

* * *

Narrator: One of Edward’s favorite pastimes is to manipulate photos of his girlfriend.

Edward (a sex robot enthusiast): “The intent is to make them look more like a robot. The intent is not to make them look like less of a person.”

(off camera): “When you look at [the altered photo], is it arousing?”

Edward: (without a moment’s hesitation) “Oh, quite. Yes…quite arousing.”

Narrator: Edward is hoping to take the next step by hypnotizing his girlfriend into becoming a robot.

* * *

Quezo (in reaction to the unveiling of a sex robot in Las Vegas): “Frankly, it’s ugly. It looks like an ugly man in drag. I would not have sex with this with somebody else’s penis.”

* * *

Delosian: “I’m anxious. I think it’s about time. We haven’t got our flying cars yet, so let’s get our sex robots.”

* * *

Delosian: (on his way to visit the maker of a sex robot, whose previous unveiling was a disappointment) “I hope he’s improved upon the face. Because let’s face it, nobody is going to buy an ugly robot.”

* * *

I need a transcript of this show to cushion the literary classics gathering dust on my shelves.

Shit, up next: 100 Orgasmsa Day. Got to go…

Happy 10/14!

Posted on October 14, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

(Originally appeared in Magazine of the Dead)

A Headless Man Falls in Love with a Bowl of Rice
for Nathan Tyree

The headless man is eating dinner. He feels his life is incomplete. His tears dribble out of his neck wound and major organs rain down on a bowl of rice. If the rest of his organs rain down on the bowl of rice, the headless man will stop feeling his life is incomplete. He does not want this. The only way to save himself is to make his life complete in a different way. He must use a method of hunting and trapping the missing piece rather than not feeling anything at all. The headless man has determined the missing piece is an emotion. An emotion that has been reserved for a person who is not the headless man. An emotion that will fit into his soft tissue. But where will he hunt and trap this emotion? Women are repulsed by his incompleteness, men are likely to react to it with violence. He contemplates this conundrum. He stops contemplating. He looks down at the bowl of rice with longing. He looks down at the bowl of rice, regretting all the pieces he has left behind.

Happy 10/13!

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

Temporomandibular

There is a kitten in my mouth
I cannot go to sleep without her in my mouth
or I wake up with pain in my head

She is not really a kitten
She is something so dull that
I feel the urge to tell you she is a kitten

Sometimes when I’m relaxing
I start to nod off
and I need to wake myself up and put the kitten in my mouth
or face the consequences

My life was so much better before I had to go through the intricate ritual
of putting a kitten in my mouth at bedtime

It takes a long time to catch her

Happy 10/12!

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

Reading Sam Pink

The book decides to read Sam Pink. It opens his chest cavity and reads the first entrail. It is a very good first entrail. It makes the book very excited. It captures the book’s attention and does not let it go. The book’s attention tries to escape, but it is caught in Sam Pink’s razor wire chest hair. The book turns the artery. The phone rings. The book uses Sam Pink’s penis to mark its place and sews him up. The book answers the phone. It is the book’s mother, the wise old tree. The book masturbates while speaking to her because it thinks it is a funny thing to do. The book ejaculates and hangs up the phone. The book picks up Sam Pink again. It reads about a red blood cell’s exciting adventures in a haunted ice box. Sam Pink yells in a scary way. Sam Pink has had enough. Sam Pink burns the book with his heat vision. Sam Pink puts the fire out by pissing on it. Sam Pink opens the book and shits on page 62.

Happy 10/11

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Bradley Sands

From Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

(Originally appeared in Spine Road)

Brave Contestant of Faith
for xTx

Jack is a contestant on the game show, God or No God. He is starving and would like to win a million dollars to end his hunger. Jack’s chair hangs above a 20-car pileup. While his astral body sits in the chair, his physical body is embedded in a car windshield. Jack’s hand is on a buzzer. He is waiting for Chuck Barrett to ask a question. Chuck Barrett does not exist. If Jack does not answer Chuck Barrett’s non-existent question correctly, he will be ejected from his chair. He will be hurled into a different state. A state between shards and nothingness. If he does answer Jack Barrett’s non-existent question correctly, he will be able to buy many loaves of bread. Chuck Barrett asks his non-existent question. The non-existent question has a non-existent answer. Jack does not know the answer because it is non-existent. Since his hunger would prefer many loaves of bread over a state between shards and nothingness, he prays to God. He asks God to reveal the non-existent answer. He promises he will share his loaves of bread with God in return for His wisdom. He waits for God’s answer. But God does not speak. Instead, God comes down from the heavens and tap dances and causes earthquakes and envy. Then God’s head turns into a balloon, separates from His body, and rises. God’s torso falls down in the dirt. Jack’s time runs out. God’s tap dancing routine and ascension have not helped him answer Chuck Barrett’s non-existent question. He swallows the shards and they taste like earwax-flavored Starburst and he repents his sins.